October 4, 2012 by Alex Patchin McNeill
You know, when I started my transition, I expected it to have a profound impact on my body. What I didn’t expect was for it to have such a profound impact on my mind. What I mean by that is, I had spent such a LONG time thinking about transitioning and worrying about what it might be like that those thoughts sort of took over my brain. There wasn’t any room for big thoughts. Sure I could continue with my day to day thinking, but whenever I would get time to really think the question “to T or not to T” always came first. It’s amazing what happens when you dive headfirst into the mirrored surface of the murky depths you’ve been fearing. I was so scared my body was going to change into something unrecognizable on T that I failed to realize my LIFE had become something unrecognizable to me. I was so unhappy in my body and so paralyzed by fear, I allowed that paralysis to creep into other aspects of my life as well. There were so many leaps I was afraid to take.
The biggest leap was around my career. I spent four years cocooned in a job that almost fit but always felt too constrictive and certainly wasn’t my calling…kind of like my gender identity, right? I tried so hard to make “woman” fit because somehow I thought I should that it took me years to claim the agency to walk away. What would I do or be untethered from womanhood or my stable job? The fear of being set free kept me clinging to something solid.
Four months into my medical transition journey, I left my job and began a new career renaissance; working on a few projects of my choosing while I recenter on my steps after that. In the next few weeks I’ll be launching a few of the big ideas that have nestled in my head once it was cleared of the fear of transitioning. I can’t wait to show you what I’ve been up to. For a sneak peek check out http://www.outoforderdoc.com
5 months into transition and I have to tell you, my body is still recognizable to me. Instead of approaching it with distrust and suspicion, I am finally proud to claim it. I am awed by the work it has done these past few months and excited to see what is in store next. 5 months into transition and this body may be familiar but my spirit has been transformed. Baptized by confronting the waters of my fear.